Real
by NICHA
Summary: "I have five friends. Salmonella, Chlamydia, Colitis, Echolalia, and Sasuke..." WARNING: Very, very, VERY eff-ing dry/black humor... and Angst. Also— YAOI.


**Title: ****Real**

**Sohei NICHA**

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**Genre: **Angst/Romance

**Rate: **T+ - **M **(for safety)

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**Notes: **Btw: yes, all of Naruto's "friends" (except for Sasuke) are (OCs and) named after diseases… yup. I'm cool like that.

ALSO— Naruto _doesn't_ have the diseases, but I was just bored and I needed Imaginary Friend names, so, there I was again: being immature. Thank God _I_ never had Imaginary Friends.

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**. . . . . . . . .**

**Real**

****. . . . . . . . .****

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_I have five friends._

_Salmonella,_

_Chlamydia,_

_Colitis,_

_Echolalia,_

_And Sasuke._

.

He's here again.

Sasuke, I mean.

Or, something...

I don't know. I can't really tell.

He says that he's real, but so do Salmonella and Chlamydia.

I wanna believe him. I do.

And, if he is, then he's my first real friend.

.

_I think that out of all my friends, I like Sasuke the most…_

_(But, don't tell Colitis. He gets jealous really easily.)_

.

He's not like the other voices in my head.

He's not like the other people I see.

I see and hear him all at the same time.

He's the most... _there_

Even when he's gone and I can't see him or hear him…

I sigh.

He's not here right now.

_._

_I have four friends._

_Salmonella,_

_Chlamydia,_

_Echolalia,_

_And Sasuke._

_._

Sometimes I feel him. Hit me.

Sometimes he yells at me.

Sometimes he cries and I...

Do I help him?

He isn't real.

Right?

.

_Sasuke is the most confusing of all my friends._

_I can't predict what he'll do, like when I'm with _them_…_

.

He never wears the same clothes.

They all look the same, but they're never the same clothes.

Each time, it's a blue, or a black, or a white.

He also always has a scent.

_They_ don't have scents. Just voices.

No.

He isn't like the _others_.

_._

_I have three friends._

_Chlamydia,_

_Echolalia,_

_And Sasuke._

_._

He's changing.

Everyone else stayed the same.

I'm looking at him. Studying him.

He looks at me with a frown.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

And "Your hair is longer," is all I can say.

.

_I have two friends._

_Echolalia,_

_And Sasuke._

.

_They_ have been slowly disappearing.

Sasuke is the only one left.

I wonder why…

.

_I have one friend._

_He might leave me too…_

.

He sits there. Staring at me.

I tilt my head to the side and grin.

"It's just you and me now," I say.

He doesn't say anything.

"… You wanna sit here?" I ask.

I shift over on my bed and look at him.

I can't help the bit of begging in my eyes.

He's the only one left.

He looks sad and…

I don't like it.

"C'mon," I urge, "_c'mon_!"

He gets up from his seat and then sits on the bed beside me.

I can feel him beside me.

When the _others_ were here I couldn't feel _them_.

"Why?" I ask.

He looks at me with his dark, blue eyes that were easily mistaken for black.

_I_ knew the color, though.

He was my _friend_ and I'd be a total moron if I didn't know my _friends'_ colors.

"Why can I feel you?"

His brows do that weird tee-pee shape and I almost laugh.

But he looks sad, so I don't.

"Because I'm real," he says.

I reach out and touch his hair.

I'd never done that before.

It's silky and smooth.

I gently pull his head towards mine and smell his hair.

I'm afraid he'll run away like the _others_.

"Why can I smell you?"

He doesn't raise his head but I can hear him choke out:

"Because I'm real."

I lift his head up and carefully press my lips up against his.

"_They_ said so too," I whisper, pulling away slightly so that

I look into his eyes.

Then I press forward again, licking at his lips which have already parted.

.

_Echolalia_ already knew that I liked Sasuke.

_She_ would keep telling me that it was okay.

_She_ also said that he was real;

_She_ said everyone else, even herself, was fake.

_She _said…

.

I can't really think, but there he is

Underneath me.

He gasps when one of my hands goes under his shirt.

He pulls away.

"Your fingers are cold," he says.

.

_None of _them_ can feel when I'm cold or not._

.

My eyebrows scrunch and then I go back in,

Pressing against him even harder.

He whimpers and writhes, sometimes bucking his hips up.

I feel the beat of his heart against my hand.

"They _don't have heartbeats like this…"_ I think to myself

His fingers are at the elastic of my pants…

.

_I have one friend._

_His name is Sasuke._

_He might be real._

.

His legs are up on my shoulders.

I'm nervous.

I've never done this before.

"N-Naruto…" he moans, and I really want to be inside him now,

But I'm shaking—

More than him. I'm shaking.

My head reels—

He might be real and I might hurt him.

He gives me a frightening glare suddenly, and then grabs my hair and yanks.

It hurts.

And it's real.

"You've always been a _fucking_ Idiot and you've never grown up," he says.

I rub at my head.

"Also," he added, "I'm real."

And with that, he pulled me close again, our lips connecting.

.

_I have Sasuke._

_And I'm pretty sure he's real._

.

…Also, we had sex.

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**Uh, I got lazy.**

…

**D-uh… CRAPPY ONESHOT FOR YOU!**

**I'm sorry that most of the length here is just me going and putting short lines instead of actual paragraphs. Oh, well…**

**Reviews are definitely welcome. I feel underappreciated.**

**Also, Flames are welcome, Bitches. Just you try— I'll **_**peg**_** you.**

**.**

**Sohei NICHA**


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